Warning: Hot mess, proceed with caution.

I feel like I should come with a effing disclaimer.   I am incapable of giving anything my full attention anymore.  I'm always waiting for the next bad thing to happen to Connor.  I had a bad feeling that something was coming the way the past few days have been going.  Connor has been pretty unhappy.  Not to mention, the worsening of symptoms.  He twitches so much now...he constantly drools.  Everything pisses him off.  You can look at him and it will cause a major meltdown.  So why should today be any different?  Tonight I had my first World Authors class. ( I was already freaking...that syllabus was nuts...wtf !?!)  But anyway, I went as usual and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was.   Until I get the text: "Connor had a seizure."   That was it for me, I packed my shit and took off like I had eaten some bad chinese...   I went about 80 mph up until I got to base (Yes, I know, illegal, spare me).   It was not a big seizure, but it was enough to scare Chris.  But then again, who am I kidding?  They all scare him.  He has no clue how to handle it except to have me handle it.  Understandble.  Sometimes men can seem as if they are tough but are like little school girls when it comes to their child being hurt or sick.   I get it, I'm terrified too.  I push forward because I have to.  Who else will do it?  Connor is fine now, he is tucked into our bed so I can watch him breathe all night.   Honestly, I have been watching them all breathe since Connor's first seizure last May.  I'm up twice an hour going into their rooms to make sure they are still alive...  I should probably seek therapy for that, but it comforts me to know that everyone is tucked in, safe and breathing.   The most important thing in life is their health and happiness. 

Now let's talk about where I am lacking.  I am a walking disaster.  You can tell me something, I will forget 5 minutes later.  If I met you recently, I have not the slightest fucking clue what your name is, so when you see me in the store and say hello and I look at you like a deer in headlights, I'm not drunk, I'm just losing it.   I am struggling through school, my GPA sucks ass.   I getting A's, now I'm at C's.  I put my businesses on hold for awhile, well, let's be honest about that too, I just gave that shit up.   I would love to do the same with school but then what?  It has to be done.  How will I ever be able to make my dreams real.   Today is one of those days that I am angry.   I feel sometimes like I'm losing myself.  I try to keep a good sense of humor about things  and just keep moving but at the moment.  I'm fucking furious.   Seriously...ayfkm with this?  What next?   They say God only gives you what you can handle, so if God were reading this, I'd like to make it quite clear that my white flag has been up for months.   I mean geez, I walked out of the house this morning without a bra, mismatched socks and morning breath.  Who does that?  A hot mess that's who. 

But as I'm writing this I remember, I am not the one who lives every day in pain.   Connor does.  I'm not the one who is going through this.  He is.    My favorite advice to give to people (I'm dead serious, ask them)  Is "Suck it up and stop being such a little bitch."   It is a small dose of reality that will make you giggle a bit.   I'm taking my own advice tonight.